Any where but South Carolina, please

Well, I just returned from my 6 day adventure in South Carolina. We traveled by car which was over 14 hours of torture. Having three people on different pee schedules can really wreck the flow. On the bright side, I can now brag about having urinated in several states.

So I kind of knew this trip would be a disaster when I waved goodbye to civilaztion and entered the land of trailer parks and swamps. To any of my readers who might by some random chance be from South Carolina, I apologize for any offense and would like to congratulate you on being the first in your trailer park to get a computer! Moving on, we got to my sisters house on the military base which was the only real 'neighborhood' in miles.

We decided to go on a nature walk the next morning but I was not given the full disclosure on what I might encounter, therefore I was horrified by majority of this walk. First, they have giant mounds in the dirt that are home to the friendly little fire ant. They swarm onto your feet and up your legs if you step on or near their home and sting the crap out of you. They call them fire ants because you then feel like you are on fire. These things covered most of the ground. Secondly, we crossed what appeared to be a quaint little bridge only to find little mini crabs running across. I screamed like I was being mauled by a bear and ran across luckily not harmed. The next terror that awaited me was a giant possum. I thought they were nocturnal but apparently when you are the size of a friggin pug, you have no fear about showing up in the day. I won't even get started on the mosquitos that made me into a 6 course meal.

After I had my fill of nature, we decided to take a trip over to the Walmart. This, folks, was the highlight of my trip. We get there and to my delight, they sell alcohol! Not only that but they also sold fireworks and guns! In New Jersey this just doesn't occur. You buy your liquor at a liquor store only and fireworks & guns are illegal. I could not get over the fact that should my weekend need to consist of getting all liquored up, lighting off a bunch of fireworks and then shooting stuff with my gun I need only make one stop; Walmart. I saw the locals buying things for their trailers, you know- chips, tang, a fly swatter and ammo. I came away with more than enough good time fire works!

We basically had nothing else to do so we killed a lot of time playing xbox. I discovered 'rock band' for xbox 360 elite. Let me tell you, I rock and I rock hard on those drums. I made my way up from level 'easy' to medium in two days, still wish I could do that with my dating habits. I also got in some grand theft auto time, I wasn't able to smack any hookers though because every time I did I ended up in a street fight with black guys and then got restarted fresh out of the hospital. I'm not sure which message they are sending is worse- smack a hooker when you're alone with her or shoot black people before they jump you, especially when you are with your hooker.

On our way home, we stopped off at a waffle house which seem to be big on the road. I guess truckers really like that stuff. Our waitress, who was friendly, had a full mustache. I'm pretty sure it was a woman by birth but the mustache was the full growth that would make any pedophile proud. I refer to all mustaches as 'pedi-staches' because no matter how you have your mustache or how cool you are, you will always remind me of some pedophile I need to keep a watch out for. The mustache is just a facial way of saying- I was on 'to catch a predator' and you should probably report me. Anyways, this woman had a mustache and we made sure to leave her a very nice tip in hopes she would purchase a wax kit.

On the 7th day, I rest. It's time for me to get some sleep and hopefully repress this trip.