Hunk of the month...or century!!

ANDY SAMBERG- PLEASE MARRY ME!!!



You probably have seen him on Saturday Night Live, but I see him most often from my dreams! I haven't had a celebrity crush since Adam Sandler but I think Andy has just replaced him. If you haven't noticed by now, I have a big thing for jews. Maybe it's the good looks, maybe its the kosher diet... either way, they can shalome me anyday!

Barb's Book Bonanza

I haven't written a post in forever! Don't think I haven't thought about you everyday, though, my dearest blog. There have been so many ideas swirling around in my drunken mind and something recently came to me; why not put Oprah to shame with my own book club? Well, me being the only member doesn't necessarily constitute a club but it sure is a good start. I have recently been bestowed the great honor of a library card and have thus put it to use. I think a book review section is in order, don't you? Okay, I know what you are thinking. "Barb, a book report? Have you switched from vodka to crack?" No, I am here to give you my witty take on some pretty darn good reading material!

Dust off your library cards because it's time for BARB'S BOOK BONANZA!!

Okay, first batter up! Does this scene remind you of, well, you?

You can almost taste the desperation in the air! This calls for a book I recently picked up titled "It's called a breakup because it's broken" written by the very funny and talented Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt. Once you get past the impossible to spell last name, you'll realize these authors are fantastic.

In a short breakdown (No, not that kind of break down! There won't be any shaving of our heads or flashing of our vaginas, Britney!) this book helps you realize that you are being a complete loser over a complete loser! It gives you a lot of examples of the type of girl you are becoming and don't want to ever be with lots of letters written in by the broken hearted. Almost every page had me laughing out loud and realizing that I'd rather be single than chasing a complete dickwad. If you have any friends that are driving you up a wall with their complaints over a guy that you think should be burned at the stake, or at least castrated, then you might want to pick up this book for them too! You may remember Greg as the co-author of "He's just not that into you ". Apparently, this guy is straight. I know right, go figure! Despite being the gayest straight man alive, he does know a lot about relationships and if you want to know a lot too, then go buy this!

On a side note, I watched Greg promoting this book on The View not too long ago, holy smokes! He could not have wanted to hug and kiss those old hags more! I saw him go in not once, not twice, but three times to kiss Barbara Walters! Talk about uncomfortable and unnecessary.

+ = 4EvER xoxoxox

I was also fortunate enough to get special footage from Greg showing me his trip into the studio where they film The View. He even threw in special footage of Barbara Walters dressing room!. Take a look.

Bipolar Attraction

So, I just went to see 'He's just not that into you' along with every other girl in the area tonight. It covered the basics of a guy not being into a girl; not calling, not wanting to marry, cheating, and giving bad brush of lines but it did not cover the one thing girls REALLY wonder about.

Why do guys call, act very interested, spend time with you and then disappear only to resurface again to start the process all over? I call this bipolar attraction and it is something myself, as well as just about ALL of my female friends deal with on a regular basis. Is it that society has formed a bunch of pussies who are afraid of commitment? Are there so few guys left out there that they are getting the pleasure of juggling a few of us and can't decide which to pick? How can you determine that he's just not that into you when you are receiving numerous calls and text messages? This is where it just isn't clear!

I have decided to set up a clear list of standards that might help put this confusing guy into perspective.

First, this guy will usually sweep you off of your feet in the beginning. He DOES call you, he DOES text you, he even takes you out and spends great amounts of time on you. Magically (or more like, horrifically) he stops everything. What do you do? Obvious choice is stalking, just kidding. You are more likely to complain to your best friends and blame yourself. You must have done something to drive him away! WRONG.

That brings us to the first standard: If he disappears for more than 3 days with no word, he attraction for you is bipolar and not your fault.


Next, he will usually come back with some sort of excuse. "Oh hey, I have been so busy with work for the last two weeks, I didnt have a minute to call or text you. Want to get together?" By now you have probably tortured yourself for the last two weeks on what you possibly did to drive him away and are just so relieved to hear he wants to hang out that you jump at this chance. Stop and think about this- TWO WEEKS?!? I'm sure he had time to go to a drive thru for lunch at some point or watch his favorite tv shows, he couldn't send a hello text? Hell, if he was that busy a smiley face is only two characters.

This is where you must stop and think: He has a bipolar attraction in addiction to being a bullshit liar

After this, if you are smart and resist his offer he will realize persistence is the only option. Texts and calls will pour in like black people at an Obama rally. He will tell you he misses you, can't stop thinking of you, wishes you would just hang out with thim, etc. This will probably weaken your resistance and eventually you will go against all of your instincts and friends sound advice.

Don't. As soon as you give in, things will go smoothly until his Bipolar ways kick in again. Why not just go to a pet store if you want to play with a dog that badly.

The hard part for girls is realizing when you have been burned enough by the same person because you can convince yourself that he hasn't actually done anything. Well, exactly. He is a bipolar bullshit artist, remember this.

Meanwhile, like all girls in love with a loser, you have a decent guy waiting to date you but unfortunately the thought of sleeping with him usually induces vomit. Don't think you have to give this guy a shot, he will usually turn out to be just as bad if not worse. The nice guys are actually jerks in disguise these days. It is as if men all over have subscribed to Oprah magazine, studied the tips and use them for evil rather than good. The shows are getting more elaborate and the bullshit even thicker. The best way to tell if a guy is worth your time just usually by instinct and by listening to your friends.

Sure, your friends may seem like jealous bitchy losers with no dates of their own, but chances are their loser sense is more heightened than yours with it comes to this guy. They don't have the clouded affect your brain gets when you see things like "Hey baby, just thinking of you". They only see a guy who hasn't called you in two weeks.

Now remember, bipolar attraction works both ways. Think about this- when you flirt with a guy for awhile and then disappear, what are you usually doing in between? Talking to a new guy? Talking to an old guy? You can pretty much bet there is always someone else.

There you have it, my short break down of the problem girls face in the dating world. I think I might take on more of these deep questions later.

Short story...ME

I met a new friend and I thought she would bring me change. I had become restless with my surroundings and tired of my own company. She knew nothing about me and I was instantly reborn. I could be from anywhere, I could have lived through anything and it was my story to tell. It's a funny thing trying to describe to someone who you are. I would imagine if there were any one sentence to sum it all up you wouldn't be worth getting to know. So I shared anything funny and anything interesting. I had a new friend.

I sat outside of my house with a friend. I tried to say something clever to break the tension but all I could come up with was something about the cars parked on the wrong side of the road. I was struck with a flashback of an 8th grade roller rink birthday party. I laced my skates and listened as they announced couples only on the floor. The lights dimmed and anxiously everyone glanced around hoping for someone to ask them to skate. I finished lacing my skates and stood with my friends, watching the couples make their laps around the rink. We listened to the entire song, motionless.

It was winter again and my hands were freezing. I ran to my car to grab my overnight bag and then back into the heavy door to his apartment. His place smelled strongly like pot and kitty litter, it could have been sickening if I didn't adjust. He shuffled through his records and then told me he was ready for bed. His room was larger than his living room and in his bed I felt safe. I stared out the window at the blinking red light, letting planes know not to come down so low. Philadelphia, a busy city, seemed so quiet as the light blinked. On and off, on and off. I heard him starting to snore softly next to me, I closed my eyes.

My sister got married. It was the winter time and the air was bitter, they still seemed to be all smiles. As I rode in the van with my grandparents I realized she'd never be on this end. I watched the leafless trees pass blindingly from the window while the heat blared. It was at that moment I realized who I am comes largely from where I come from but more importantly from where I hoped I'd end up. I had no hopes of ending up anywhere. She did make a beautiful bride.

The summer wasn't as hot as it had been in past years. I recall swimming twice, the water made me weightless and free from a body. On the hottest night of the year I sat in the dark pulling a hard drag from a cigarette listening to the intense song of the cicada. I thought of the hot summers down in Virginia where the wavy lines of the heat in the distant were almost as prominent as the cry of the local insects. I walked around that place enough to feel I was circling home. That was the last time I ever felt home. It's funny how you can attach yourself to a place, as if that were the heart of who you are. It is, afterall, only a structure.



It's New Years, I'm at my best friends house. It's cold but not cold enough to keep us from hanging around on her front porch. Everyone I know is there and we're toasting to the end of another successful year. I toast with the entire bottle of Jack Daniels, afterall, one should always hope for the best. The count down starts; 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. We hug, it seems some people are truly happy. I hug my best friend the tightest. It's always good to hold onto those who are as lonely as you are and at the very least, good to hold onto those more sober.


I'm simple, I'm pure. I'm ten years old again walking into a church with hopes that God is proud of me. Just as sure as I see my friends from sunday school, I know he sees me in my best dress. He's as real as any person I know and he loves me. Exhausted, I don't think he sees me anymore.


When do we become our own person, I have wondered for many years. Is it when we realize our parents are only human and nothing like we had seen as a child or is it when we accept ourselves for being the same way? I am not who I thought I would be, but is that a bad thing? I'm twelve and my friend is lighting newspapers on fire in the woods. I stand staring at the growing blaze feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach. If we are caught, the shame would be worse than the punishment. I have morals, they are conflicted with the desire to watch the outcome of the blaze.


My new friend shifted, she enjoys hearing my stories. I'm new, I'm interesting but she has barely scratched the surface. How do you explain to someone who you are? As I said, if you could, you wouldn't be very interesting.

Bee ef ef el

I always hear girls saying they don't get along with other girls, I have put together a list of the different types of girls that make shitty friends. If your friend isn't on this list then carry on with the laughter and merry making.





1. The Ditcher- This is the girl who goes out with you to a bar or club, maybe even a house party, and ends up disappearing with some random guy. Then when you are sitting around waiting to leave, you are forced to make small talk with the guys ugly friends until your friend is done with mr toads wild ride. They are also famous for letting you "find your own ride home" after a party since they have peaced out like kirsty ally at a jenny craig meeting.





2. The Switcher- This is the girl who is known for switching plans last minute and is seemingly allergic to compromise. She makes plans with several friends all at once and then decides which offer of the night sounds best. You may have had plans with her for weeks and 10 minutes before you are supposed to leave it will be switched.




3. The Permanent Borrower- This person loves to ask you if they can borrow that. Can I borrow that I'll give it back to you next time I see you. Then five months later you see them with something of yours that they borrowed and they appear to be at a complete loss of memory as to who's it is.

An example conversation:
You: hey is that my jacket?
Her: This? oh i dont remember where i got it i've had it for so long
You: Nope, you definitely got that from me can i have it back?
Her: Oh yeah sure, actually can i still borrow it i'll give it back to you next time i see you

Repeat the conversation 5 more months later.





4. The Thief- Unlike the borrower, this person doesn't ask first. They may steal your make up or money but mostly they are stealing your boyfriends. As the old saying goes- where ever you see a girl puking at a party, you can bet somewhere her friend is hitting on her boyfriend. Never truer words spoken.



5. The Trash Talker- Let's face it, everyone is a trash talker because it's fun (as long as its not about you) But this is the girl who never has anything nice to say about anyone EVER. They scream and hug someone like a pig in heat full of glee and then turn around and tell you what a bitch the girl is. They are also famous for being confronted and acting shocked and appalled that you would suggest them of trash talking.



6. The Star This is the girl who is never happy unless she is the absolute center of attention. She will strip if she has to just to get the attention back on herself and much like Whoopi Goldburg on the view, it's painful to watch. She will often be combined with the trash talker category if the people are not receptive to her attention need.




7. The Sexy one- This is the girl who thinks she is the next Jessica Simpson. Although she may look more like OJ Simpson, she still doesn't see that. She will be the one to brag to you that every guy likes her and will insist that any guy who likes you must just be drunk or didn't see her yet. This girl will also more than likely carry around a mirror and full beauty kit. She is also the one who wants to go to the bathroom just to make a kissing face in the mirror while you are holding her purse.



8. The mouse- This is the girl who gets upset with you for something but will never confront you because they are too passive. You will have to read their blog just to find out what is going on and often it is combined with number 5 on this list. They will often tell you they don't like a certain guy thus forcing you to become an accidental number 4 and yes, that will also be in the blog.



9. The Worker- I've named this one the worker despite it having nothing to do with actual work. This is the girl who constantly has her cell phone out texting while you are out together. She is working her fingers on the keyboard all night and then giving you the bored look as if she were watching the clock at work waiting to go home. You start to wonder if you should hand her a time card to punch out of the friendship.



10. The Copy Cat- They say imitation is the highest form of flattery but realistically, it's the most annoying thing besides Sarah Silverman's stand up. This is the girl who buys everything you have and has the famous question- where did you get that? There are extreme cases of this where the girl will break up with her boyfriend when you do and get a boyfriend when you do. She might also be the type to day dream about you two getting pregnant at the same time and raising your kids as best friends. This day dream is usually done while wearing a shirt you recently purchased.





Hopefully you have learned a little more about the girls you let in your life because sometimes cutting people out is where it's at.

Pillows!

I used to make pillows, I wanted to start that up again. This seems to be the newest idea that interested me....


A s'more! You can pretty much guess what everyone will be getting for christmas this year :-D

Any where but South Carolina, please

Well, I just returned from my 6 day adventure in South Carolina. We traveled by car which was over 14 hours of torture. Having three people on different pee schedules can really wreck the flow. On the bright side, I can now brag about having urinated in several states.

So I kind of knew this trip would be a disaster when I waved goodbye to civilaztion and entered the land of trailer parks and swamps. To any of my readers who might by some random chance be from South Carolina, I apologize for any offense and would like to congratulate you on being the first in your trailer park to get a computer! Moving on, we got to my sisters house on the military base which was the only real 'neighborhood' in miles.

We decided to go on a nature walk the next morning but I was not given the full disclosure on what I might encounter, therefore I was horrified by majority of this walk. First, they have giant mounds in the dirt that are home to the friendly little fire ant. They swarm onto your feet and up your legs if you step on or near their home and sting the crap out of you. They call them fire ants because you then feel like you are on fire. These things covered most of the ground. Secondly, we crossed what appeared to be a quaint little bridge only to find little mini crabs running across. I screamed like I was being mauled by a bear and ran across luckily not harmed. The next terror that awaited me was a giant possum. I thought they were nocturnal but apparently when you are the size of a friggin pug, you have no fear about showing up in the day. I won't even get started on the mosquitos that made me into a 6 course meal.

After I had my fill of nature, we decided to take a trip over to the Walmart. This, folks, was the highlight of my trip. We get there and to my delight, they sell alcohol! Not only that but they also sold fireworks and guns! In New Jersey this just doesn't occur. You buy your liquor at a liquor store only and fireworks & guns are illegal. I could not get over the fact that should my weekend need to consist of getting all liquored up, lighting off a bunch of fireworks and then shooting stuff with my gun I need only make one stop; Walmart. I saw the locals buying things for their trailers, you know- chips, tang, a fly swatter and ammo. I came away with more than enough good time fire works!

We basically had nothing else to do so we killed a lot of time playing xbox. I discovered 'rock band' for xbox 360 elite. Let me tell you, I rock and I rock hard on those drums. I made my way up from level 'easy' to medium in two days, still wish I could do that with my dating habits. I also got in some grand theft auto time, I wasn't able to smack any hookers though because every time I did I ended up in a street fight with black guys and then got restarted fresh out of the hospital. I'm not sure which message they are sending is worse- smack a hooker when you're alone with her or shoot black people before they jump you, especially when you are with your hooker.

On our way home, we stopped off at a waffle house which seem to be big on the road. I guess truckers really like that stuff. Our waitress, who was friendly, had a full mustache. I'm pretty sure it was a woman by birth but the mustache was the full growth that would make any pedophile proud. I refer to all mustaches as 'pedi-staches' because no matter how you have your mustache or how cool you are, you will always remind me of some pedophile I need to keep a watch out for. The mustache is just a facial way of saying- I was on 'to catch a predator' and you should probably report me. Anyways, this woman had a mustache and we made sure to leave her a very nice tip in hopes she would purchase a wax kit.

On the 7th day, I rest. It's time for me to get some sleep and hopefully repress this trip.

Tattoos

I was looking around at different tattoos because I recently decided I want to get one. I was always against them for women, not because I still churn my own butter, but because they usually look trashy. I hate the typical "tramp stamp" or the "Doggy style decoration" on the lower back. The fact that it's a rose or some gay looking star doesn't make it any 'cuter'. I want to get something meaningful such as a shamrock with D.N.R in the middle. If you don't know what that stands for, then perhaps the joke is just not for you. I'm also considering getting 'carpe diem' on the back of my neck. It is the only one of my life philosophies that could make a nice tattoo, nobody really wants to see "premarital sex" on the back of my neck.

In the mean time, look at these! There is a thin line between self expression and just being a complete idiot. These are examples of when art goes wrong.