Pillows!

I used to make pillows, I wanted to start that up again. This seems to be the newest idea that interested me....


A s'more! You can pretty much guess what everyone will be getting for christmas this year :-D

Any where but South Carolina, please

Well, I just returned from my 6 day adventure in South Carolina. We traveled by car which was over 14 hours of torture. Having three people on different pee schedules can really wreck the flow. On the bright side, I can now brag about having urinated in several states.

So I kind of knew this trip would be a disaster when I waved goodbye to civilaztion and entered the land of trailer parks and swamps. To any of my readers who might by some random chance be from South Carolina, I apologize for any offense and would like to congratulate you on being the first in your trailer park to get a computer! Moving on, we got to my sisters house on the military base which was the only real 'neighborhood' in miles.

We decided to go on a nature walk the next morning but I was not given the full disclosure on what I might encounter, therefore I was horrified by majority of this walk. First, they have giant mounds in the dirt that are home to the friendly little fire ant. They swarm onto your feet and up your legs if you step on or near their home and sting the crap out of you. They call them fire ants because you then feel like you are on fire. These things covered most of the ground. Secondly, we crossed what appeared to be a quaint little bridge only to find little mini crabs running across. I screamed like I was being mauled by a bear and ran across luckily not harmed. The next terror that awaited me was a giant possum. I thought they were nocturnal but apparently when you are the size of a friggin pug, you have no fear about showing up in the day. I won't even get started on the mosquitos that made me into a 6 course meal.

After I had my fill of nature, we decided to take a trip over to the Walmart. This, folks, was the highlight of my trip. We get there and to my delight, they sell alcohol! Not only that but they also sold fireworks and guns! In New Jersey this just doesn't occur. You buy your liquor at a liquor store only and fireworks & guns are illegal. I could not get over the fact that should my weekend need to consist of getting all liquored up, lighting off a bunch of fireworks and then shooting stuff with my gun I need only make one stop; Walmart. I saw the locals buying things for their trailers, you know- chips, tang, a fly swatter and ammo. I came away with more than enough good time fire works!

We basically had nothing else to do so we killed a lot of time playing xbox. I discovered 'rock band' for xbox 360 elite. Let me tell you, I rock and I rock hard on those drums. I made my way up from level 'easy' to medium in two days, still wish I could do that with my dating habits. I also got in some grand theft auto time, I wasn't able to smack any hookers though because every time I did I ended up in a street fight with black guys and then got restarted fresh out of the hospital. I'm not sure which message they are sending is worse- smack a hooker when you're alone with her or shoot black people before they jump you, especially when you are with your hooker.

On our way home, we stopped off at a waffle house which seem to be big on the road. I guess truckers really like that stuff. Our waitress, who was friendly, had a full mustache. I'm pretty sure it was a woman by birth but the mustache was the full growth that would make any pedophile proud. I refer to all mustaches as 'pedi-staches' because no matter how you have your mustache or how cool you are, you will always remind me of some pedophile I need to keep a watch out for. The mustache is just a facial way of saying- I was on 'to catch a predator' and you should probably report me. Anyways, this woman had a mustache and we made sure to leave her a very nice tip in hopes she would purchase a wax kit.

On the 7th day, I rest. It's time for me to get some sleep and hopefully repress this trip.

Tattoos

I was looking around at different tattoos because I recently decided I want to get one. I was always against them for women, not because I still churn my own butter, but because they usually look trashy. I hate the typical "tramp stamp" or the "Doggy style decoration" on the lower back. The fact that it's a rose or some gay looking star doesn't make it any 'cuter'. I want to get something meaningful such as a shamrock with D.N.R in the middle. If you don't know what that stands for, then perhaps the joke is just not for you. I'm also considering getting 'carpe diem' on the back of my neck. It is the only one of my life philosophies that could make a nice tattoo, nobody really wants to see "premarital sex" on the back of my neck.

In the mean time, look at these! There is a thin line between self expression and just being a complete idiot. These are examples of when art goes wrong.

Mating Season

Ever wonder how certain animals mate? Sometimes it seems like the mechanics of certain animals just wouldn't line up. Well, I've got the photos for you! Mating, mating and more mating. This is for educational purposes though, so any readers breaking out the hand lotion should stop now. Here are the top 5 animals I always wondered about:

1. The Giraffe



Now seriously, the Giraffe has always been one of my favorite animals to stare at during those little gay safari trips around 6 flags but I always wondered how it could possibly mate with those giant legs. I knew it was a mammal, so obviously there was going to be some humping sooner or later! They usually mate in October and start with signs of loving like scraping and stomping their feet. People once thought this was just because of fleas from pumpkins at the end of a harvest season but it was found their feet are impervious to fleas.


2. The turtle.

How a turtle mates has always a mystery to me. I knew they hatched their baby turtles on the beach but how did they make them?


These horny little turtles make squaking sounds like birds when they mate and often the male turtle will bite the female turtle on the back of the neck since she will try to pull away. The female turtle then lays eggs in the sand and then moves on with life.

3. The Whale

Most people know that whales are mammals so they probably figure they mate like we do but it's still pretty weird to see it! Yes, that giant thing that looks like the most dangerous spear in the world is his penis. And yes, the wizard sleeve is the whales vagina. Makes me feel better about mine...



4. The Ostrich

This one was brought up to me by my sister and after she said she didn't understand how they mated, I realized I had no answer for her. Well, here it is!

They mate like most animals but the male must have extreme balance since it has no arms. Typical to the human species, the females dance for the males and then the male charges towards the one it likes the best and humps her. It lasts 3 to 4 minutes and then the male ostrich runs away.

5. The Lizard

This isn't really a typical one I'd think of. I don't really care for reptiles but since someone out there probably owns 5 and scares away potential girlfriends, this part is for you. Lizards and snakes have sex. *Shudders*



It is impossible for the male lizard to mount the female from behind, he has to go in on the side. I guess they work it out eventually.

Well, there you have it- 5 species making the love. Now be careful which of the newly aquired facts you choose to share in the office place. Not everyone will be as receptive to the mating of ostrich's as you are.

Take a walk back into the 90's

How awesome are these? The only thing that might make these shoes a little cooler would be some really intense asian wearing them while break dancing. You know that would be radical.

Sex scandals

Everyone loves a good sex scandal and I've finally watched a few of them so today's post is dedicated to the love a man, a woman and a video camera can make.


1. Kim Kardashian and Ray J



I'm sure most people are over the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape but I'm out of the scandal loop unfortunately. I finally saw it thanks to my friends off colored taste in dvds. Well, here's my take- it was about 45 minutes of Ray J patting himself on the back and licking his giant lips into the camera. When they finally got to the "sexing" as he delicately puts it, Kim lays still like a cadaver and throws in "Oh shit, oh shit, oh ..." then pauses for a nap and upon waking continues with, "oh shit". The video features scenes from their vacation on an island and then back to the bedroom for more Ray J self pep talks and Kim napping.



2. Paris Hilton

I saw this one awhile ago on a download at my friends house (apparently my friends and I are perverts) but the scene is horrifying. It starts off okay, Paris in a hotel room posing around like an under fed raver and then it happens... Paris Hilton goes ass to mouth. The guy goes for it and she's too busy playing with her cell phone to notice the pudding pop headed her way. She stops a few times to answer calls or possibly momentarily meditate on not eating but either way, ass to mouth happened.

Poem time kids!

I know I had vowed not to post anything emo on this site unless it had some comedic purpose but in this case I found a poem I had written awhile ago and just need some place to stash it. My computer is liable to crash at any moment thanks to the boat loads of senior citizen porn I keep on here so I don't want to lose my little piece of art. I would not recommend this poem as a toast, please enjoy.


In a hospital Room

The impactful sound of chaos,
like waking from a dream,
into a room of confusion
and lack of subtlety.

The cruel realization that in this room you wait,
for life,
or death,
whatever form your fate will take.

In the light of day,
the sweeter requiem,
and in the night you may find,
it isnt how it seemed.

You will fade into the background,
the scene as it was before you came,
and they will move forward,
with lives forever changed.